I’m Caroline Orr, and this is how I’m living deeply. 

“My fever hit 103.4 degrees. I had bacteria all through my blood. My boyfriend left the hospital room and texted everyone: ‘I’m really scared. Stop what you’re doing right now and pray.’ Over the next 45 minutes, unbelievably, my fever dropped five degrees- it was back down to normal! And in my mind I had gone from not knowing if I’d ever leave the hospital… to suddenly feeling like I was in the first stages of physical recovery. You can’t explain that unless it’s the power of prayer and the power of Christ! But let me back up. I’m a junior at UT, but home is Kansas City. My parents got divorced my sophomore year of high school because of my dad’s infidelity. That started my lukewarm-Christian, searching phase. I was as room temperature as you could get. I still had a Bible verse in my bio and was like, ‘Oh yeah, I’m a Christian, let’s go,’ but I wasn’t. Freshman year at Tennessee, I found Campus Outreach and they said, ‘A lot of us here go to church at CSPC. Why don’t you come?’ I was a Christmas-Easter type of person back in KC. But I went. I was like, ‘This church actually feels like a mega-Bible study! The Bible doesn’t fit into the message- the Bible IS the message! This is what I want.’ I’ve been here ever since, and God has grown me. One day, I was praying: ‘God, I want you to use me. Here I am, send me, like Isaiah 6:8.’  But where could He use me? Well, I’d been a swim coach back home, working with kids. So I emailed CSPC’s elementary ministry director and said I felt God calling me to do more. She said, ‘We’ve been praying, we need more volunteers.’ Just like that, I was in! I started teaching first grade, then kindergarten. I truly love seeing that childlike faith- sometimes, as a 20-year-old, it’s hard to see it in my peers, whereas you can really see it in a kindergartner.

Teaching kindergarten has been fun and fruitful in ways I didn’t expect. I was really nervous- I’m great at public speaking, but I was like, ‘Wait, these are kids. They could really judge me!’ But the questions they ask are so good. When we went over the crucifixion, one asked, ‘When they put the sword in His side, did it hurt?’ I was like, ‘Oh wait, no, because that’s how they found He was the Son of God- it bled water.’ Recently, we learned about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I told them, ‘Think about a big oven. King Nebuchadnezzar was going to cook them like turkeys.’ They were like, ‘Turkeys? Oh my gosh, I don’t want to be a turkey!’ I was like, ‘They probably didn’t want to be turkeys either. That’s why half the Israelites bowed down to the statue.’ In another lesson, we even connected Bluey to the Psalms. I mean, in what aspect are you going to connect Bluey to the Psalms, ever?! It’s awesome in a way I can’t describe. This IS the age group I’m supposed to be serving! But, until early this year, I was still living with a foot in each camp- living for Christ on Sunday mornings, then doing things I wasn’t supposed to do the rest of the week. Last January at Campus Outreach’s New Year’s conference in Chattanooga, though, I felt truly convicted of my sin. I was driving back with my cousins, and it was in the back of the minivan that I genuinely gave my life to Christ. I said, ‘God, I want to follow you. I don’t even want to think about the college camp anymore, I’m in the Christ camp. Put me over there and make me captain of the team. This is what I want, and this is what I want my life to be like.’ I wasn’t satisfied living in both camps- it was a balancing act I didn’t want to do anymore. Since that moment, I’ve never felt joy like I feel right now. I’ve lost friends over it, but I’ve gained so many new friends. I mean, if you’re going to judge me for not wanting to go out to the bar anymore, are we really friends? It also gives me a sweet opportunity to share Jesus with them and share how He has changed my life.

One thing I love about Jesus is that He’s like a big brother I didn’t have. He’s someone I talk to all the time and get to hang out with. I can look at my desk chair and be like, ‘Oh, Jesus is sitting there when I’m doing my homework.’ Jesus is also sitting in the passenger seat of my car when I drive by myself. It just makes me really happy that I get to have a big brother who does care about me. My favorite Bible verse is John 15:16: ‘You did not choose me, but I chose you.’ The fact that I’m chosen means so much. When my friends sometimes don’t choose me, when I’m not the number one friend on a lot of people’s lists, I can know my big brother Jesus will choose me, my best friend Jesus will choose me, my Father in heaven will choose me every single day and every single moment. Like, I’m chosen by them. That’s what a human wants. God made us to have relationships with each other, and the fact that I get to find a relationship that’s so good in my big brother Jesus is something I wasn’t expecting to have. That relationship meant everything to me -and went to a new level- just a few weeks ago. My boyfriend Ethan and I went to Chicago (UT football was on the road, and he’s a huge Cubs fan.) It was right before the playoffs. Cubs hosting the Cardinals. Big rivalry and we were there to catch a game. But I ended up getting really sick. I had a UTI that ended up turning into a kidney infection and going septic through my body. I had bacteria all in my blood. Saturday morning in the hotel I woke up and was like, ‘I need to sit down, give me 30 minutes. We’ll Uber to the game instead of walk.’ My entire body felt like it was on fire. We didn’t end up going to Willis Tower as planned, and we had to sell our Cubs tickets. I slept 18 of 24 hours. Sunday morning I woke up, planned to take a shower, and thought that would make me feel better. But in the shower, I threw up everything I had eaten. I was incredibly weak. Ethan was like, ‘We’re going to the hospital. You can’t get on a plane back to Tennessee.’

Once we got to Northwestern Memorial Hospital in downtown Chicago, they pushed me to the front of the ER. They said, ‘We think you have a kidney infection,’ and admitted me to observation. ‘You’ll probably go home Monday.’ But I didn’t actually come back to Tennessee until Wednesday night. I broke eight fevers in four days. Monday morning, they came in and said I had a 102.8 degree fever: ‘You’re septic and we still don’t know what bacteria it is.’ I’m a nursing student, so I knew this was really bad. I knew I was not looking too hot. There were definitely moments where I thought, ‘I very well could die.’ It was never like, ‘I’m going to die right now, I’m going to see Jesus this afternoon.’ But I’d sort of accepted I COULD die. I vividly remember praying: ‘God, you’re really good. You’re such a good God. I can’t even comprehend it. So I know the outcome of this is going to be really good. If that’s to send me back to Tennessee, I’m going to be so happy. But if that’s to take me to paradise now, I’ll be really happy because I’ll be with you.’ It was a peace I’d never felt- that I was going to be okay if I did pass away. It wasn’t what I wanted, but if that was the outcome, I was going to be in a great and better place. I definitely wouldn’t have felt that way back in January, before Jesus really took hold of my heart. I would have been like, ‘Why am I here? Scr** you, God. I wanted to go to class.’ This was the first time in my life that I felt like I had to rely on God for everything. I couldn’t even get up to go to the bathroom. My 4.0 GPA wasn’t going to get me out of this. My serving in the elementary ministry was not going to get me out of this. It was only God who could do it. Through all this, He was showing me I need to have a posture of dependence on Him. That’s where He wants me to be. That’s where I’ll keep growing.

I don’t remember a ton about my actual hospital stay- I was so weak, and in & out of sleep. But Ethan said at one point I asked to listen to worship music really low. ‘Goodness of God’ came on shuffle first, then ‘Gratitude’ by Brandon Lake. He told me, ‘You sang every single word to every single song when you were the sickest I’d ever seen you. Then you went to sleep and slept so well.’ That was Jesus, in the room, giving me what I needed! Ethan filled those four walls with prayer every single day. We had people in Campus Outreach praying for us so much- I don’t think I’d be here without that. And God has been so kind-  I finally broke my fever for good, was released from the hospital, and have no lasting health issues. My kidneys are perfect. Since coming home, I’ve had nothing but thanks for those four days where I felt so strongly the deep truth that I had to rely on God only. Believe it or not, I’m even so grateful now that I went through my parents’ divorce- because I get to know not just what it’s like to have a heavenly big brother, but also what the love of a heavenly Father is, and to bring that light to the situation. I’ve experienced so much forgiveness for my dad and his now-wife that I wouldn’t have without Christ in me. On the cross, Jesus literally said, ‘God, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ He forgave the people who killed him. If he can do that, I can forgive my dad- who’s still here and who I still love & get to have a relationship with. That doesn’t fix everything, of course, but it’s a good relationship now- and only Jesus could make that happen. My little brother and mom have struggled with everything surrounding the divorce, too. I’m not sure just what they’re going through spiritually right now, but I care- and I want Christ’s light to show through me and bring hope to them, too. These days, I wake up every morning like, ‘God, use my day, use my life. It’s all for you now. I’m ready for your plan. Let’s go. Bring on the fires. Make it a huge blaze.’ I’m so ready- because I know I’m not alone.”