I’m Evan Livingston. Here’s more of how God used a CSPC mission trip to Prague earlier this year to enable me to live deeply. 

“When we got back to Knoxville from Prague, in early February, I found out the school where I teach would be closing. That sounds like bad news -and in some ways it was- but it actually clarified something. It meant the crossroads I’d been standing at had one fewer road. Here’s what the crossroads looked like: stay in Knoxville and pursue what would have been a meaningful role in local ministry, or leave for my alma mater Clemson and a fully funded PhD. Yes, Clemson would pay me to go, and it would open doors to serving as a professor, principal, superintendent, almost anything in education. Both possibilities were genuinely great. Both were things I’d have loved. The problem with two open doors is that you actually have to walk through one and close the other. And I am terrible at that. So I’d have a meeting at Clemson and get excited. Then a meeting with the ministry and get excited about staying in Knoxville all over again. Back and forth. It was during this time that [CSPC Director of Men’s Ministry] Stewart Scott sat down with me and gave me advice I’d never received before. He said to fast. Instead of reaching for my phone or a video game or anything else I use to avoid thinking about hard things, he recommended I sit before the Lord with a question every time I got hungry: ‘Would I want to fill this role at a different ministry? Or only here?’ Stewart told me to not escape the wrestle. So I did. And in that quiet, clarity came. The honest answer was: I would only want to fill the Knoxville role at the ministry that was offering it, not another organization. Which told me something. That part of what I wanted wasn’t really a calling- it was comfort. It was staying in the place I loved, with the people I loved, without having to uproot my family or step into the unknown. And after Prague, after watching Tom and Petra live the way they live [see last week’s Live Deeply posts if you’re not familiar with their work], I didn’t want that to be what ruled me anymore. It was time to let go of my unhealthy reliance on comfort.

But the ‘letting go’ in my life didn’t stop with the career crossroads decision. Thanks to my time in Prague, God was reshaping me -helping me learn to let go- in other ways, too. For example, one thing I have to be honest about is that I have a hoarding problem. Specifically, school supplies. Educational stipends had stacked up over the years into something genuinely absurd: 20-something boxes of stuff. Crayons, expo markers, multiplication flashcards, board games, card decks, copy paper. Enough to stock a small school. An embarrassing amount. When I was at The Well in Prague, I remember noticing their expo markers were drying out. Noticing the little things they needed and thinking, ‘Man, I wish I could just give them stuff. I would give so much if I could.’ But I didn’t have money to spare, so I filed it away. Then February came. School closing. PhD decision getting clearer. And it hit me: I’m not going to need any of this. Not for a PhD program. Not for three-plus years. So I texted [my small group co-leader and CSPC’s Prague mission trip coordinator] Cary Lewis a long string of photos -she was probably so annoyed by the end of it!- and asked if Tom and Petra could use anything. Turned out they could. So a few weeks ago, I dropped off maybe 80% of everything in that closet. Just gave it away. And I want to be honest: That is not natural for me. My wife Judy is the generous one. I’m the frugal one. I’d been collecting that stuff since freshman year of college! But standing there, loading it up to give it away, felt like… freedom is the only word for it. Like something physically leaving my body. Tom and Petra don’t throw money at problems. They show up. Somewhere between watching them and rolling bandages and standing against the wall watching the Lord at work through others at The Well, I learned that sometimes the Lord isn’t asking for your money. He’s asking you to notice what you already have, open your hands, and ask where He wants it to go.

Sometimes, God’s work happens slowly, and other times it’s rapid-fire. For me, it’s definitely been the latter as the Lord weaves the lessons of Prague into my soul and loosens my grip on the things that make me ‘feel safe’ across all of life. There was a moment near the end of the school year -the school’s winding down, closing, everything chaotic- when I could’ve told the students’ families we’d covered the curriculum. That everything was fine. But it wasn’t. We’d only covered 76% of the content for math, the subject I teach. The remaining 24% hadn’t been taught, hadn’t been planned for, and no one was telling me when or whether it would be. Parents were asking real questions. And I could have made it easier on everyone -and myself- by saying what people wanted to hear. I’d have even been eligible for a bonus- and that would’ve helped with travel costs for moving, with our infant son Rigby’s medical bills. I’m not going to pretend there wasn’t temptation to report a different number. But I told them the truth: 76%. I told them what hadn’t been covered and why I still believed it mattered for their kids’ futures- for the honors track, for the next grade, for wherever they were headed. Hard conversations. Real friction. No bonus, I thought at the time (Months later, I ended up surprisingly getting the bonus anyway!). And yes, even that goes back to the mission trip. While I was in Prague, Tom and Petra told us about the time they spoke out publicly for Syrian refugees when it wasn’t popular at all to do so. Death threats came. Hatred from within their own community. And then quiet messages from strangers: ‘You’re the first person to speak up for these people. Don’t stop.’ I’m not comparing what I went through to that. Not even close. But when I was sitting in the middle of the friction at my school, I did think about them. And it helped me stay strong and pursue integrity. I’m 25. I’ve likely got decades of decisions ahead. But this year -this trip, this crossroads, this strange season of learning to let go of control and comfort and stuff- God did something in me through it all. I hold things a lot less tightly than before. And man, it feels free.

 So, to wrap it up, yes, we’re going to Clemson. Even saying that, there’s a mix of things happening in my heart. Because we love it here. We love CSPC. We love our small group leaders Brad and Cary, who’ve been like additional parent figures for us in ways I didn’t even know I needed. I love serving with Jeremy Johnson and sports ministry on the weekends. I love our small group and every person in it. These aren’t small things to walk away from. Even though we’re from the Clemson area, Knoxville finally started to feel like home -like we’d actually put down roots- and now we’re pulling them up again. But here’s what I keep coming back to: Tom and Petra didn’t know how long they’d be in the Czech Republic when they went. They just went. They said yes to the day in front of them, and then the next one, and then the next. And what they’ve built -the relationships, the ministry, the lives changed- none of it would exist if they’d waited until it made sense on paper. It doesn’t fully make sense on paper for us, either. But I feel the Lord in it. What I’m walking toward: a fully funded PhD, being closer to both our families, and a church in Clemson that doesn’t have much in the way of global missions yet- which means Judy and I might actually get to help build something. What does it look like to bring what CSPC has poured into us and pour it into that community? What does it look like to maybe even connect Tom and Petra with our new church, Clemson Presbyterian, someday? I don’t know yet. But I’m more okay with not knowing than I’ve ever been in my life. That’s the thing Prague did to me that I didn’t expect. Through going overseas, God didn’t just point me toward a decision. He changed the person making it.”