I’m Jennifer Graviss, part of the Good Grief group started by CSPC’s Sarah Stewart. It’s for mothers who’ve lost children or have children with terminal illnesses. Here’s how I’m living deeply.
“The crisis that swept away Adalyn’s life so stunningly fast started with a headache. One night, Adalyn, who was only 7, came into my room, forehead burning: ‘Mommy, my head hurts.’ I got her Tylenol and let her curl up beside me. When I tested her for COVID, the result flashed positive. My heart sank. She had been so careful- constantly washing her hands, wearing her mask, doing everything she could to protect her baby sister. The pediatrician told us as a family to temporarily separate. My husband Adam would stay with Adalyn, I would stay with baby Ella. I hated it, but we followed the advice. The next day, Adalyn seemed fine- running around, laughing. As a nurse, I monitored her symptoms closely. She played outside, played UNO, rested, then took a bath that night, eating a popsicle in the tub. ‘Daddy, when is this sickness going to go away?’ she asked. ‘I just don’t feel good.’ Something about the way she said it made Adam concerned. A little while later, he woke me and I went to her. ‘Adalyn, tell me your name.’ Her words were slurred. She couldn’t stand up. We knew immediately she needed to go to the hospital. As Adam carried her to the car, she started having seizure-like activity. They admitted her to the ICU and diagnosed her with a COVID-triggered autoimmune reaction attacking her brain & heart. She’d become totally unresponsive and quickly got transferred via ICU ambulance to Vanderbilt. I was still with the baby at first as this all unfolded overnight & into the next morning. They were hoping maybe when I got to Vanderbilt, Adalyn would rally. So I left Ella with my parents in a hotel room and headed for the hospital. But about an hour after I got there, the doctors told us she had no brain activity. They’d done all they could. This was it. Adam & I just held each other, shattered. We prayed over Adalyn. How was this even possible? How could our little girl, perfectly healthy 48 hours earlier, be gone?
Before I continue the story of God’s work in our family, it would be helpful for you to know a little of our background. Adam & I struggled with secondary infertility for a few years. When Adalyn was two months old, I was diagnosed with a rare cancer -gastrointestinal stromal tumor- and had to undergo an emergency Whipple surgery. I was on oral chemo. After that, I did every fertility treatment, every surgery. Five miscarriages. Nothing. But Adalyn- oh, that sweet girl believed. She prayed every day for a sibling. Four years old, hands folded, heart wide open: ‘God, please give us a miracle baby.’ She wrote it in her little journal, drew pictures of a baby, never wavered. Her faith was bigger than mine, bigger than I could have imagined for a child so young. Then, the month the doctors told me, ‘It’s impossible- you have too many cysts,’ I got pregnant naturally again. Adalyn got to be a big sister- God made her dream come true! She even picked the name- after the two oncologists who saved my life. She came home from school, ran to wash her hands & put on a mask, and held her baby sister, Ella Gray, every single day. When Adalyn passed away, Ella was only ten days old. Six months earlier, I had lost my brother, Michael. He was a police officer, just 43, and he caught COVID on a domestic call. He went into the hospital, developed pneumonia, and slipped into cardiac arrest. We were still grieving his death when Adalyn died, in February of 2022. She had just been baptized less than three months earlier, on November 21st. She walked up to Adam one day and said, ‘Daddy, I want to get baptized, and I want to do it right away.’ There wasn’t any hesitation in her voice. Just certainty. Our children’s pastor sat down with her for a class, and after one session, he said, ‘She doesn’t need any more. She’s ready.’ And she was. That moment has kept me going. Because I know -without a doubt- that our little girl knew & loved Jesus SO BIG. And that has brought joy to our hearts. That she made that decision for herself. That she’s home.
It’s been more than three years now since Adalyn died. February 7th is always a heavy day for our family & friends. Each anniversary, the raw, tender nerves of that day come back to life- the pain is present and brutally fresh all over again. And I actually still cry every day, but it’s a different kind of cry now. Yes, it’s still a cry that echoes how much we miss Adalyn, but also one of gratitude from seeing our girls and catching glimpses of her in them. Our youngest, Eden, wasn’t planned. We weren’t even trying for another child. Ella was our miracle, and we thought our family was complete. But then, Eden came- completely unexpected. But in hindsight, it was God’s divine placement. Adalyn’s favorite worship artist was Brandon Lake (‘Talking to Jesus,’ which Brandon co-wrote, was her favorite song). She loved Elevation Worship, with whom Brandon often collaborates, and the only concert she ever got to go to was theirs. We took her to an Elevation Worship concert in Nashville in October, a few months before Ella was born. It was a special trip, almost like a ‘babymoon’ before our little one arrived. Adalyn was so excited, hoping Brandon Lake would be there, and he was! Brandon’s such a big part of our story, and not only because of the joy he brought Adalyn that night. After Adalyn passed, Adam & I went to another Brandon Lake concert. Midway through, Brandon stopped and said, ‘I don’t know why, but I feel like God is putting it on my heart to pray for women struggling with infertility. I just feel like someone in here needs a miracle child.’ Well, that was the weekend I got pregnant again! Incredible. So we named our next baby, another girl, Eden Lake. There have been so many things like that. God was there, planting seeds of life where, in the moment, we only saw loss.
Adalyn talked about Heaven as if she’d already been there. Remember, she was only 7. 7-year-olds talk about their favorite games, their favorite foods, their dreams of what they want to be when they grow up. But Adalyn? She would sit with me and ask, ‘Mommy, can you imagine how beautiful Heaven is going to be?’ Just two weeks before she got sick, she told me, ‘I can’t wait to go to Heaven.’ I remember laughing and telling her, ‘Baby girl, we’ve got a long time until then. We’re going to live to be 100.’ But now, looking back, it’s like she knew. We called them God-winks, little signs that whispered, ‘I see you. I am here.’ For example, the day Adalyn was baptized, our church worship team sang ‘Rest on Us.’ As she stepped into the water, the words on the screen behind her read ‘Let Heaven on in.’ Adalyn talked about Heaven like she had been there. And now she is, and that’s brought us so much comfort as we think about how much we still miss her. She was just the best kid in the whole wide world. Adalyn was always the one who found the lonely kid on the playground, the one who made sure no one felt invisible. We went to visit her classroom at school in the spring of 2022, where they honored Adalyn with her class’s Best Friend Award. Her second-grade classmates barely knew Ella, but they all wanted to meet her that day because all Adalyn ever talked about was Ella. To them, Adalyn wasn’t just another kid- she was the kind of friend everyone wants to have. She would find the kids that nobody talks to on the playground and make them feel special. She would compliment everybody. ‘I love your hair. I love your shoes. You have a beautiful smile.’ An amazing little girl. Most amazing to me, as I think back on it all, is that I realize she DID know. She knew what Heaven was like and that she’d be going there soon. Maybe not in the way we understand, but in a way that only a child with a heart close to Heaven can.
People ask me all the time, ‘Were you angry at God?’ I wasn’t. I never was. I was in shock, I was numb, I was bargaining- pleading for God to take me instead of her. But I was never angry. Because the truth is, He did save her. Not in the way I wanted, but in the way that mattered most. She gave her life to Jesus. She IS saved. But that didn’t make the pain any less. It was such a surreal situation to experience death and new life in the same moment. To bury one child while holding our newborn in my arms. To be so utterly shattered that I couldn’t eat, couldn’t function, yet know I had a tiny human depending on me for survival. I would cry out to God, not even knowing what to pray for: ‘I don’t want You to take this pain away, because I don’t want to stop missing her. But I want to feel joy again. Can both exist?’ And somehow, by His grace, they do. Grief is an uneven, different process for everyone. But through it all, I never felt alone. Even in my lowest moments, I could still feel the Holy Spirit. God was THERE. He gave me the strength to get out of bed. He gave me the strength to love Ella, even when my heart was breaking. He gave me the strength to keep moving, even when I didn’t know how. I still walk with a piece of my heart missing. But I know I will be whole again. Because one day, I will see my baby girl’s bright, joyful face again. And I can just imagine her welcoming me, saying, ‘Mommy, didn’t I tell you? Isn’t Heaven beautiful?’”