I’m CSPC member Lindsay Scott, and this is my story of how God is helping me live deeply with Him.  

“My parents divorced when I was two. I was so young that I don’t remember much and so I don’t necessarily have any bad memories from that time. But I do know that somewhere along the way I must have made a vow to never let safety and stability slip through my fingers again. Because instead of being a little girl who focused on play and joy and carefree things, I focused on becoming independent and resilient and responsible. There was a determination to be whoever I needed to be and please whoever I needed to please so that all things could remain held together. My mom remarried when I was 6, and so between this new family unit and my learned ability to achieve and rely only on self, things felt stable. I had done it, I thought. Until the day that things started to unravel. When I was 16, my stepdad wound up having an affair with a woman at the church we were going to at the time. But as divorce number two got underway, we learned my stepdad had also committed mortgage fraud. The implications of his conviction meant that we would not only need to start over in a new church but also a much smaller house in a different part of town. To make matters worse, he was the local weatherman at the time. Which means none of this was a private affair. It was all over the news and it felt like the whole world was looking in and watching as safety and stability slipped through my fingers yet again.

There is more to the story but suffice to say- no one around me was doing okay. And so, I felt the pressure mounting- to be the rock. The one who was not only okay myself, but could make sure everybody else was okay, too. And so I strengthened my resolve, clenched my fists tighter, and did everything I could to bring stability and care. But try as I may, I could not fix the brokenness. In fact, things kept getting worse. While I had never known my mother’s delight, I had at least learned how to earn her favor. But suddenly, even those attempts came back empty. This loss of a second marriage seemed to be a breaking point for her. I just don’t think she knew how to love after losing so much. So, I wound up moving out to my dad’s house and unfortunately lost all relationship with her. It was crippling. To the point that I went for a drive and wept like I had never wept before. In my warped idea of what strength was, I never let myself cry. But it seemed that I too had reached a breaking point. I found myself face to face with my reality- a helpless beggar in desperate need. But the thing is- that had been who I was all along. This was just the first time I realized it. That I couldn’t hold all things together. That I wasn’t enough to fix things. In fact, it seemed like I wasn’t even enough to be wanted as a daughter.

But it was in that place of darkness that I encountered the light. In my posture of need, I started to see things clearly: That in and of myself, my greatest efforts were futile and my best deeds insufficient. AND at the same time, I was somehow still enough for the King of Kings to want as a daughter. Who delighted in me so much that He would endure the darkness of death so that I could have the light of His life instead. And so, for the first time, I unclenched my fists and reached out for the hands of the only One who holds all things together- the true rock of refuge. Because like the blind man in John 9, I could finally see Jesus for who He was. I encountered Him on that drive and found myself crying out ‘Thank you Lord’ – not for the pain and suffering, but that He used those things to break me out of the bondage that was keeping me from Him. My eyes were opened that day, but the clarity and breadth of my sight continues to grow as I see more and more of who God is. Some of it has come through incredibly rich seasons where I have seen more of His kindness, provision, healing, and abundance of undeserved grace. And some of it has come through continued trials: His sufficiency in relationships without repair, His sustaining power in my own complex medical issues, and even now, more of His comfort as we watch my stepmom seemingly lose her battle with stage 4 cancer. While I still do not understand all of our Holy God’s Holy ways, I do know this- that no matter the season, no matter the circumstance, one thing has remained: The presence, the work, and the glory of God. And though I don’t know your story, I do know that the very same thing is true for you, too, if you are following Him. His presence is with you, His work is happening in you, and His glory is being displayed through you. By His grace, I have been transformed from a woman who was totally reliant on self to meet my needs, to a woman who now knows where true needs are met. From a poor beggar to a rich worshipper- because I have found the treasures of the Kingdom of God.”