I’m CSPC Worship Associate Beth Calvert, and this is how God is teaching me to live deeply.  

“I remember my first panic attack vividly. I was 16, sitting in the common room of my high school -a kind of lounge area for juniors and seniors- back home in England. The night before, a close friend had confided in me that she had been diagnosed with cancer at just 15. The news was overwhelming, and I didn’t know how to process it. As I tried to share my feelings with another friend, I kept getting interrupted, and the weight of it all became too much. I started hyperventilating and had to leave the room. That was just the beginning. Soon, panic attacks were regular intrusions into my life. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety that year, at 16, though I now realize it’s something I’ve dealt with my whole life. This struggle has been a significant part of my journey with God, impacting my education, church life, and personal growth. High school was tough; anxiety and moments of depression seemed to take over regularly. The panic attacks could be triggered by even the smallest things—like when my laptop charger stopped working. I remember calling my mom from the bathroom, feeling utterly trapped in that moment. And that’s how it always was- I didn’t know how to see past the difficulty that was happening at the time. These were common problems that everyone deals with, but for me the magnitude of them was heightened. The in-the-moment sense of despair felt like it was going to go on forever- and would probably get worse. For a brief few minutes, a panic attack can suffocate and darken whatever else is true and good about your life. These kinds of attacks happen less frequently now. That’s God’s mercy at work. But getting to this point has been a process.

Throughout my college years, anxiety took on new forms, particularly social anxiety. I would constantly worry about what others thought of me, and the anxiety was so intense that it felt like a never-ending spiral. I knew, factually, that my fears were irrational, but I had no control over calming myself down. It was a constant battle in my mind, and often, I’d get anxious about being anxious, fearing that this state of mind would last forever. During this period, I had a very legalistic view of God. I believed that being a Christian meant following a bunch of rules. ‘Do not be anxious about anything,’ I’d read, and I’d feel like a failure when I couldn’t stop my anxiety. On some level, I felt like God was displeased with me and loved me less because of it. But even without a full understanding of God’s grace, I knew He was helping me through my struggles. Medication and therapy have been hugely instrumental in my journey. I praise God for these resources, but it’s His grace that has truly carried me through. And over the years, I’ve learned to see my anxiety in a different light. It’s often in my lowest moments, when I feel completely out of control, that I grow closest to God. Surrendering to Him in those times is so freeing. It’s not that I can handle it—because I can’t. But God can. He truly just catches me. The phrase ‘I can’t do it’ often comes to mind- and settling into the truth that ‘God can’ has been a huge comfort. This realization has transformed my perspective on suffering and trials. My friends who aren’t Christians often struggle with the idea that they aren’t in control or inherently good. But for me, acknowledging that I’m not in control and that I’m a fallen person is liberating because I know that God IS in control, and He IS good. It’s His perfect plan at work, even in my most anxious moments. I don’t feel that all the time -I still struggle a lot of the time- but when He makes that true to me in a hard moment, it draws me closer to Him and helps me understand His grace and love more deeply. I don’t know where I would be today without these truths rooted in my heart.

Embracing uncertainty and trusting in God’s plans- that’s largely what my life has been about over the past year or two. Moving countries is no small feat, and there were moments I had no idea where I would live, if I’d have a car, or how things would come together. Yet God was constantly reminding me that He is in control. It’s a delicate balance- making responsible decisions while trusting that He is the one ultimately in control. And God has answered prayers in ways that are both practical and profound. When I went to university in Manchester, England, I joined City Church Manchester, a partner church of CSPC. After graduating, I became a music ministry intern there. In the summer of 2022, City Church sent me to CSPC for a six-week placement to learn about music ministry. I quickly fell in love with Knoxville and the church community. Saying goodbye was indescribably sad. Little did I know that a casual joke about moving back and taking over a position at CSPC would actually come to pass. In November 2022, I got a call about an opportunity. It was one of those moments where God clearly opened a door, aligning everything in a surprising way. My initial plan had been to pursue a master’s degree in music therapy, but God had different plans. Each step in my journey, from which university I attended to ending up at CSPC, has been a testament to His guiding hand. God has shown me time and again that His plans are better than mine- and every time I’ve trusted Him, He’s led me to exactly where I needed to be.

Though I ended up falling in love with CSPC, it wasn’t love at first sight. Coming over from England to be here for part of my internship (before I was hired to be full-time) was intimidating at first. My home church had about 300 people across two services, so stepping into the vast sanctuary of CSPC was overwhelming. (‘Oh my gosh, all these people!’) But what truly amazed me was how, despite its size, CSPC felt like a close-knit community. The relationships I formed in just six weeks were deep and meaningful. And the unique blend of excellent teaching, diverse worship styles, and a genuine sense of community made it feel like home. So it was exciting to think about coming back. But when I moved here to be full-time in August 2023, I still faced numerous challenges. Finding housing from across the ocean, passing my driving test in England so I could drive here, and adjusting to life in a new country were daunting tasks. But God provided in marvelous ways. Sydney Kraslawsky of the CSPC sports ministry, a friend I made during my internship, offered me a place to live (she’d just had a roommate move out- perfect timing!) and helped me adjust and settle in numerous other ways. Another of my friends’ generous families lent me a car for six months, despite my minimal driving experience (I’m still not sure I should’ve actually passed my driving test in England!). Financial needs were met through the generosity of others, too, demonstrating the living out of Jesus’s generosity. His tender care for me through His people was beautiful to experience. And as I’ve grown more comfortable in my role, I’ve come to absolutely adore the work I do here- from leading on Sundays to working with the youth and women’s ministries. One of my favorite parts of my job is leading worship for the youth group and witnessing their growth. I also have the privilege of participating in different outreach activities like the special needs ministry’s monthly ‘Lighthouse’ event (there is not a more joyful room than these monthly Tuesday nights!). It seems like each day, God teaches me more about His grace and provision, and I am continually floored by the depth of His love and care.

Living far from my family (my parents, and I have a sister) in England has been another of this season’s challenges. They all visited for an extended period recently, which was wonderful, but it also made their absence even more palpable. Thankfully, technology allows us to stay connected. It’s funny- growing up, I couldn’t wait to be independent. But now, being 3,000 miles away from my family, I’ve learned independence can also sometimes be scary -you don’t have that safety net of family being right around the corner anymore- so I’ve come to rely on God in new ways. That really began with some uncertain weeks when I didn’t know if I would be moving to Knoxville or accepting a church ministry position in Manchester. I was just waiting to hear back from both churches, and where I’d be in the next year of my life was beyond my control. Then, once the move to CSPC was decided, I had to lean on others to find solutions for me. When Sydney found me a place to live and that family provided me a car, it really deepened my trust in God. Control has always been something I crave in a lot of areas of my life, but He is showing me control is an illusion- and helping me relinquish it. Looking ahead, I’m focused on my current role (my agreement is to be here for two years) and open to wherever God leads. While the idea of moving again is daunting, I’ve learned not to hold onto my plans too tightly. God has a way of prying plans from my hands in a good way, teaching me to trust His direction over my own. Whether I stay in Knoxville or move elsewhere, I know God’s grace will guide me. One of James’s sermons over the past year that resonated with me was the one where he brought us the quote: ‘Resign your position as CEO of the universe.’ It reminded me there’s nothing I can do to make God love me more or less. His grace covers all, and this journey has taught me to see His grace in everything. I am continually amazed by His provision and love- and ever more ready to throw myself on His mercy. Each step, each challenge, is a reminder to trust in His plans and embrace the grace He freely gives.”